


to love the ocean

by notquitewitches



Category: The Society (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, It's just Sam trying to hug Grizz throughout the whole thing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-26 05:24:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20924882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notquitewitches/pseuds/notquitewitches
Summary: Grizz Visser could not be hugged. Sam had been forced to accept that as a truth after weeks and weeks of careful study and multiple attempts.The boy was made for hugging, that was sure. Tall and benevolent, he could wrap anyone in the softest, warmest hugs. One could get lost between his oversized hoodies and slithering arms. But trying to hug Grizz? That was an herculean feat, Sam knew it too well.





	to love the ocean

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work in this fandom and, honestly, my first work in a while. I binged the series in one week and had the absolute need to write about them. After a heartbreak, they were such a salve to my pain :")   
I hope you'll enjoy it!
> 
> title is from To love a boy, by Maya Hawke

_ and till the Sun keeps shining on over the human misfortunes. _

_ [U. Foscolo, Dei Sepolcri] _

  
  
  


Grizz Visser could not be hugged. Sam had been forced to accept that as a truth after weeks and weeks of careful study and multiple attempts.

The boy was made for hugging, that was sure. Tall and benevolent, he could wrap anyone in the softest, warmest hugs. One could get lost between his oversized hoodies and slithering arms. But trying to hug Grizz? That was an herculean feat, Sam knew it too well.

It didn’t matter how close they’d be pressed together, chest against chest and fingers mapping undiscovered lands, Sam could strain and reach and try, but his hands never found each other on Grizz’s back. He’d leave them hanging, fingertips painting circles and hazy thoughts on the soft fabric of his shirts and on scorching hot skin. He’d surrender and hold Grizz’s face instead, brushing stray hair away from his eyes and basking in the absolute glory of his sleepy smiles, eyelids only barely cracked open. Grizz always leaned into the touch, chasing his warmth like a cat until he wrapped himself around Sam, their legs tangled and his nose hidden in the crook of Sam’s neck.

Sam didn’t mind being engulfed by him like that, feeling like he was drowning in his body heat and scent, kept awake and aware only by the tickle of Grizz’s breath on his skin and the beats of his own heart. It was the sweetest sensation, losing himself in a bliss he had never had the guts to long for.

  
  


After weeks of falling asleep in each other’s arms, of Grizz tightening his hold in his sleep when Sam shuffled into a comfier position, as if he was afraid he would slip away from him, Sam wasn’t sure he would ever be able to sleep alone again. 

  
  


Grizz always fell asleep first, exhausted to the bones. Most of the time it happened against his will. Sam could see it, see him blink away the haze of sleep, fight off yawns and the drowsiness that assailed him as soon as his head hit the pillow. Sam loved to lay his head on his chest to let the steady rise and fall lull him to sleep, an ever-present assurance that, at the end of the day, they were fine. Alive and kicking, no matter what went unraveling in their upside-down town.

  
  


Grizz could not be hugged and after a while, Sam had given up trying to. He was too big, too much of a human to be held and contained by mortal bonds. Sam was satisfied with having the privilege of calling him  _ his  _ and knowing him in ways that no one else ever would. Seeing him first thing in the morning when he opened his eyes and last when he closed them.

Still, it left a bitter taste in his mouth. Maybe it was stupid, being so hung up on wanting to be the giver, even if he knew that Grizz was more than happy with pulling Sam to his chest whenever affection was needed. After all, it was balanced. Grizz never initiated kissing, Sam never got to be the big spoon. And it was fine, it was his favorite thing in the world. Sam was not about to throw a meaningless fit over it. Instead, he was going to run his fingers through Grizz’s hair more, kiss him more, harder and softer and for longer, because they had no certainties about their tomorrows, let alone the future. How many kisses did they have left before the inescapable worst happened? Sam was not going to let one touch go to waste.

  
  


“Can I be morbid for a second?” Grizz was smiling sleepily as his lips moved. The two of them should have fallen asleep hours before. Sam hummed, to let him know that he was following, curious about whatever weird thing Grizz was about to come up with. Grizz didn’t answer, though. His eyes were distant and his smile was thinning as he bit on his lip. Sam reached up to caress his face, to bring him back to their room, because he knew Grizz could stay zoned out for a while, forgetful of everything else.

“Where are you?” Sam whispered and Grizz’s eyes snapped back to him, startled like he’d just been awoken.

“Maybe it’s too morbid.” He laughed, half ashamed. Sam didn’t need to hear it to know, it was painted on his face, on the way his eyes flickered and fled. Sam’s hand lingered and so did his stare. Grizz’s face scrunched up and his neck turned hot. Sam would have  _ loved  _ to read minds because, as open and blunt as his boyfriend knew how to be, sometimes words had to be pulled out of his mouth one by one.

“Is it worse than  _ being kinda glad the rest of the industrialized world is gone because now climate change isn’t a thing anymore _ ?” Grizz huffed out a laughter, his hands jittery. He was amused, but Sam could see thoughts swimming behind his eyes, troubling. He shuffled closer to Sam, though, and their noses almost touched. Sam could feel the ghost of his breath on his skin, could feel when when Grizz breathed in deep and had to stop himself from smiling in anticipation.

“Well, this time I’m  _ kinda glad. _ ” His hands drew quote marks around the words. His eyes were not looking at Sam’s. “That this whole universe swap happened, because if we hadn’t been stuck here-” He exhaled forcefully, holding something in. His blinking lasted a second too long. “I probably wouldn’t have given us a chance.”

A corner of his lips curled up in his sad smile, guilt settling heavy on its apologetic curve. Sam imagined he had whispered it, because that wasn’t something one would say loudly, the  _ almost _ that hadn’t happened. He wouldn’t want to jinx it.

Still, Sam couldn’t help but smile a bit, because it didn’t hurt. He knew exactly what Grizz was talking about. He couldn’t fault him. Everyone there was thinking about their lives back home, it was a constant noise in the background, hitting stronger when everything seemed to be working out. No one could not wonder what they’d be doing instead.

The same thought Grizz was now looking very guilty about might have crossed his own mind, before he had cast it aside.

Grizz was still not looking at Sam and he had his lower lip between his teeth, one bite away from making it bleed, nervous as if he had just confessed some unspeakable sin.

“Am I a decent last resort?”  _ This,  _ at least, gained his attention and Sam was satisfied. A thousand emotions crossed Grizz’s face, too fast for Sam to catch, but he saw the moment when horror was replaced by the dawning realization that Sam was smirking. Well, he was trying not to laugh, because that would be rude, but really, it was all so surreal. Sam wouldn’t be jealous of a future that was not happening.

“The only strand I should have ever considered.” Grizz spoke lightly, relief lifting the shadows. He bumped their noses together as he kissed him and Sam let himself get lost in the touch, sliding his hand up Grizz’s jaw until it found his hair to run through.

When they fell back to their pillows, the conversation fell with them. Grizz seemed content just peeking at Sam through his eyelashes in religious silence, with a tenderness that made him feel like he was something to venerate.

“What would you be doing if we were home?” Sam asked, growing restless under his gaze. He was curious. Everyone had plans for a normal life and he wondered who Grizz had actually been in his other life.

“I had been accepted to college,” he paused, smile faltering. “I was going to come out, too, I guess, once I was far away enough.”

“Why not here? The people are okay enough.” It was a thoughtless question, but Sam was no fool, he saw when Grizz’s eyes went dark and his heart plummeted.

“Too much that could go wrong.” It was quiet. Sam had felt the low rumble of his voice under his palm, open on his chest. He understood, but he didn’t know how to express it. So he pressed himself against his side, resting his head next to his hand, praying, praying, praying.

Silence took over again, somber and oppressive, and Sam could have fallen asleep, if only his thoughts had stopped racing for just a minute. The night was going to be a long one.

Then Grizz tapped his shoulder and when Sam sat up to look at him, he was muttering something incomprehensible. He stopped abruptly, brushing his hair out of his face with shaky fingers.

“I’m sorry.” He signed along with his words, his eyes not quite looking at Sam. “I’m sorry I never really gave you a chance before this, I just- never thought you’d be anything more than a crush and that’s-” Sam pushed his nervous hands down, gently shutting him up. He’d heard enough. Grizz looked surprised, reluctant to stop talking.

“It doesn’t matter,” Sam didn’t say it unkindly, but Grizz still recoiled. Sam raised his hand to tuck behind Grizz’s ear the same rebellious lock of hair he’d moved back seconds before. “You were aiming for a different life back home. It’s okay if I weren’t going to be part of it. I was going to have my own life too. But now is not then and all those what ifs can’t affect us anymore.”

Grizz tried to protest, hands moving to sign a  _ but,  _ a  _ no,  _ before stumbling on his own thoughts and shutting up. He stared at Sam with a frown, surprisingly childish in his resentment. Sam smiled at that, at his crossed arms and the furrowed brows, the refusal to understand.

“You don’t have to be sorry for  _ shit. _ I love you in this reality and I will in the other one too, if you’ll let me.”

The fire rising up and burning Grizz’s face was victory enough. Being pulled in for a kiss that was simply transcendental was just coronation.

  
  


Grizz could not be hugged and didn’t let himself be hugged because it was easier and more reassuring to hold close his loved ones. Sam knew it because Grizz had whispered it to him in the dead of the night, his drowsy signing hands barely visible in the blue light of static TV screen. 

It hadn’t taken a genius to realize behind how many walls Grizz was hiding and how many he was tearing down in order to protect and care. Sam had wished he could be bigger, to make him feel safe and shielded, for once, but Grizz had shrugged and smiled that dejected smile of his. There was no need for that, he had said, because having Sam, the one lying next to him, was already more than enough.

  
  


His dark hair was the softest thing in the world and his skin was the finest of silks and his lips felt like catching a comet in the corner of your eye and losing your breath on a fulfilled wish.

  
  


Grizz had slipped into their room hours and hours after Sam had left him to deal with the town’s backward politics with the others, down in the living room. It was selfish, but he had been too tired to try to follow a five-people conversation in a tongue that at times didn’t even feel his. The guilt had kept him up in bed as the clock ticked past one, two, three am, his only company a book he had stolen from Grizz’s pile. He let it drop onto his legs when Grizz sat on the edge of the bed, a frown crumpling his face into a mask of grief. There was little to smile about, those days.

“What is it?” Sam whispered, reaching out to touch him. Grizz shook his head, shoulders curling forward and his hair falling to cover his face. Without a word, he lay down with his head on Sam’s pillow, pulling his jacket tighter around his body. Sam slid down next to him, his heart beating so hard against his ribcage he wondered if Grizz could hear it. Grizz’s eyes were red and were looking right through him, as if he were made of glass. His breathing was frantic and erratic, his chest rising and falling too fast, only for it to freeze when Sam touched his cheek. His eyes came to focus on him then, wide and glossy and old. Tired.

“Hide me.” His lips bent down as if he had tasted something sour. “Please.”

Sam would have loved nothing more than doing so, but how could he hide a boy with shoulders as broad as Atlas and hands that held all the secrets to the universe? He’d carve space out of reality if he could, but his arms were weak and short and their hold would break and Grizz would slip out of them. How could he ever protect him? 

But Grizz was crying, crumbling in that quiet way of his, right in front of his eyes and it was  _ wrong.  _ It sent something rushing, it burnt his insides with desperation and devotion. For the first and perhaps only time, Grizz fit into his arms. He’d shrunk, the pain had made him the shadow of himself and he was curled up against Sam’s chest, his face pressed against his shoulder as if he wanted to slither inside his bones. Sam hugged him tighter, burying his nose in his hair, breathing out words and prayers in hope that they’d stop the tremors wreaking the body under his hands. Grizz was murmuring something in between gasps and shudders, Sam could feel his words reverberate in his ribs and his lips move against his skin. He looked up, towards the ceiling, as tears ran down his face for reasons unknown, his heart twisting and breaking with the sorrow coursing through Grizz.

He left a kiss on Grizz’s head, his hands finding each other on his back, grabbing at the jacket like a lifeline, like it could hold them afloat. He regretted ever having wished to hold his boy like this, for it wasn’t worth the pain coming off him in waves, as he dug his fingers in Sam’s side, clinging to him, making himself small enough to be held.

The choked sobs subsided after way too long and Grizz’s grasp on Sam’s shirt went slack as they faded. Sam never stopped rubbing circles on his back and arms and brushing his hair with his fingers, hoping, needing to be enough.

And maybe he was, because Grizz fell asleep with a deep sigh, one that seemed to lift him back into his familiar shape. Sam let him sleep wedged between his chin and chest, knowing that in the morning things would be back in their rightful places and Grizz wouldn’t fit all that well into his arms anymore. Still, he whispered a promise to the sleeping boy, a vow to look out for him, just as he did for Sam.

Their town wouldn’t warp them into someone they weren’t, Sam would make sure of it.

**Author's Note:**

> at least they get to be in love x


End file.
